Six months gone. I kept meaning to come back to things, or at least pick up the odd SUNDAY post, but once I fell behind it all seemed too much. It's a shame to have lost the time, the thoughts as they drifted in and out, and the record I have built here. It's a slow old way to work, but I like that about it. I probably needed to slow down, in the end.
So here I am, wondering how to put my head back into this space, wondering what to share. How to express all that's gone on in between, and what bits matter. Considering, after all this time, what parts stand out and have weight. Knowing how to find the right words to carry them, or just name them. When you're in the thick of it, it all seems muddy. I like distance for what it shows up. The way my memory sorts and preferences things, finds some semblance of order or meaning. When other things fall away you know what matters.
I had breakfast with a new friend last week and he asked about India. He'd been a few years ago and we were talking about how wonderful and mad it all feels, and I said what I always say: 'India is amazing. In retrospect'. How of course I was overwhelmed and exhausted by the work of it, and found it hard and emotional and confronting. But that now all I remember is how it dazzled me. How alive and vibrant everything is. How much goodness there was in every little thing.
Maybe these months away are the same. Coming out of a hard year, after just being able to keep my head above it, to think back and find it beautiful. The sometimes jarring change, all the fear and pent up worry, the mountains of love and generosity. I look back at all the hurt and growth and feel quite certain about things. Knowing what is important and what I want is a kind of hard-won blessing.